Sink or Swim—or get out of my way.

Our apartment building has the great feature of having a pool. As part of my regular exercise routine, I swim half an hour each day.

But at times, it can be anything but relaxing and I end up challenging not my muscles, but my patience instead.

There are often swimming lessons going on at the pool, for both infants and adults. I will now introduce you to a few of the frequent traffic blockades of the pool:

-The 3-4 year old siblings. The boy has some serious issue with swimming and as his sister glides along the pool, beautifully posing to show off her multi-coloured duck and floaty wings to the swimmers, he squeals and cries and one time even flung his arms around my dad before his father lifted him out of the pool where the dumbstruck and frankly relieved boy stayed, hugging his dad’s knee for the next half hour.

-The splashers. The kids who CAN NOT swim and in an attempt to do the freestyle flail their arms left and right while turning their heads back and forth, creating such a splashing mess that not only is anybody within 5 feet of them blinded, but they too can not see where the heck they’re going. (That sure helps.)

-The stationary swimmer. At least two people come to mind as I write that name. Firstly, a lady who was at least twice the width of me who was practicing after her swimming lesson. She floated on her stomach and began making miniscule circular motions with her arms while her legs jiggled. ‘Do you think you’re moving?’  I wondered as I watched, a look of confusion and amusement spreading across my face.  She had moved all of 5cm after a few strokes. She did a few more strokes, didn’t move any farther and then abruptly stood up.


I could practically see her thinking ‘Phew, that was tiring!

The other person is a middle aged man who was swimming across the width of the pool holding a swimming board and paddling with his legs.

I had come to the pool with Tarini and we were waiting to swim to the other end. We paused, the man smiled, we smiled, yada yada etc… and we waited for him to cross.

But he didn’t.

He paddled.

And paddled.

And paddled.

I whispered to Tarini “He isn’t moving…”

And it was true. The man had not budged an inch. He just floated there, under the impression that he was getting closer to the edge.

He eventually just stood up and walked the rest of the way, much to my relief.

The women ALL, and I mean, ALL wear some concoction of a T-shirt leotard/ bicycle shorts with a skirt swimming outfit, regardless of their age or size. 

Why, I wonder, do men parade around with pink, orange yellow candy-coloured swim caps?

No description or comment needed. Just imagine it.

Enough said.


Mira Manini Tiwari

“Why is it”, Mira asked during dinner with Miral, Palmi and Aanya, who had just arrived from Chicago, “that all Indian politicians have moustaches and large grins?”

"Well, only the men politicians have moustaches” Tarini said, “not the women.” “Although one of them came close”, she added as an afterthought.

Am on board from Calcutta to Delhi on on a three day Bombay - Calcutta - Delhi - Chennai - Bombay trip. Calcutta has a great feel about it. Surprisingly organized and clean. 

Survived my 4th full physical checkup in the past few months. "All well?", concerned colleagues ask. “Yes”, I reply, “it's for insurance”. 

Two of the tests take place at Indu Clinic, close to our home, located in a large building subdivided into uncountable little rooms. At 08.30 in the morning you find yourself guided up and down stairs and into and out of rooms for blood donation, urine donation (couldn't help thinking of Morarji Desai), height and weight check, detailed questionnaire (do you drink? How long have you been drinking wine? Well, actually wine is quite healthy - thanks you for pointing that out), and my favourite, the stress test. 

The first time I go for this test it's a Saturday morning and I’m dressed in casual clothes and running shoes. I am led into a small room with a lady doctor and her assistant. As they stick white pads all over my chest onto which the ECG wires will be pressed they joke with each other in Gujarati. I don't need being made fun of at 08.40 on a Saturday morning. 

I am asked to stand for the test and make my way to the treadmill, which is around the corner from a supporting pillar in the middle room. The wires though are still attached to a PC on the other side of the pillar, leading to much maneuvering for ECG candidate and assistant alike. 

(15A just slammed his seat back and gets a blast of Dutch curses in return). 

As I get on to the treadmill the assistant says helpfully "please watch the upstairs", referring to the ceiling that is two inches away from my head. The treadmill is the Nasan Mark II, taking its inspiration from the best that the Soviet industrial design sector had to offer in the mid '70s. The machine speeds up slowly, and I'm actually keen for the pace to pick up and finally break into a jog when the pace allows. 

"Sir, be careful!" the horrified assistant exclaims. I've quite obviously done something unusual. 

"It's ok, the male doctor says, "let him run if he wants to". The doctor has taken the place of his female colleague, who probably had had more hilarity than she could handle for a day. 

The test ends without any visible stress to my system and we are soon done for the day. 

So when my next test in two months came up at the same facility on a working day I remember the low impact experience from my last visit, dress for work, drop Tarini off at school, and head for the test. 

Blood, urine, thoughts about Morarji, do I drink wine? Yes, haven't given up yet, remember we concluded it was healthy? and into the small room for the final stretch, the stress test. 

No assistant in sight. After 10 minutes in walks the assistant, a different assistant from the last time. No jokes in store today, no banter in Gujarati, this is the no nonsense assistant, with a bad weekend behind her.

I climb atop the Nasan Mark II treadmill again, ready for my stroll in the park. The pace and the incline continue to increase in speed and angle, but no worries, I’ve done this while rushing for flights and pulling luggage. The pace increases further and the no nonsense assistant throws me a sideways glance. No helpful “please mind the upstairs” either.

“What exactly are you testing for?”  I ask, increasingly uncomfortable with speed, angle and fast approaching ‘upstairs’, millimeters away from my head. So as to avoid collision I am now hunched over, walking faster and hanging on to the Nasan’s handle bar. “Bless that Soviet industrial design” I think, this thing could survive another Russian Revolution. I may not, but the Nasan’s support bar will.

“ARE YOU TRYING TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING IN PARTICULAR??” I now yell at the assistant.

She shakes her head and points at the screen. “You haven’t yet achieved 80% of the maximum stress, so we keep testing”. My doctor friend, alarmed by my yelling, comes scurrying in. “Tiwariji”, something wrong? “Listen, I’m not dressed for this, my head is banging into the ceiling, and you’re not going to hit the 80% mark because I’m in decent shape”, I pant, bluffing only slightly.

My doctor friend switches off the machine. “See, we have switched off the machine, it’s off, no need for further testing, you’ve passed, in fact you had passed ages ago, we were just testing”, he says, as if to a child who’s been told that a scary movie has been turned off. “See?”. “Teenage vampire movie has been turned off'.

The kids are o.k., sort of. 

Mira is in the middle of her first full fledged exams in India and has been revising for more than a week, with her usual systematic approach. Misses her friends in Chicago but is able to Skype and mail often. Aanya’s visit this week was a big highlight, with gifts from her classmates.

Tarini deals with anxiety but was buoyed by the pediatrician’s comments that “she is an adaptor”. He was very impressed by her mature language and humour.